I'm not really sure how to start this. Usually I have a killer hook in mind, something so strong that it can even stand by itself in a post. It's taking me unusually long to gather exactly what I'm trying to push across to you.
I recall why I essentially deleted the last blog I had. The posts were incredibly revealing, no names changed, no situation left unturned, unanalyzed. I wrote with such passion, rigorously throwing down stories as they happened daily. I find that a lot of passion has escaped my life, especially recently.
I've been looking back to my younger days, at least what I can remember without my conscious masking the actualities. They say the more you try to remember something, the more it drifts farther from the truth of the event. I tried to look back on what things made me happy. Little things, material things, any things. I can't really pin anything down- it's insanely depressing to find that out after a heavy depressive episode. I try to crawl out of the hole and I'm given no hint of rope.
I tried my shot at love again this semester. I guess that's what I'm trying to get at, or at least it's my vehicle for what I'm trying to get at. Today he broke my heart. He verbally abused me. Then he 180'd and apologized and told me that he loves me and that I mean so much to him and that he's so proud of me and that I've had such a positive impact on him. I never stopped loving him once throughout the yelling and the ignoring and the impulsive, irrational behavior. That's my fault, I think. That's what crushed me the first time but the first time I waited too long amidst the abuse, the manipulation.
He never was like this to me. Stress is a monster in us all. I still love him. I still want this to work. I can't be the only one trying though. I was the only one trying today. I'll nip this before it manifests like last time and I'll do it holding my chin up. I didn't cry today until I got a call.
I got a call from my best friend. He's leaving for DC for the summer, and then China for a year. I will see him once this summer. My best friend. We've been there for each other through the roughest part of my life. I don't know how I'll deal without him for an entire year. I got a call from him and he was hysterical, in tears because he can't believe that someone would speak to me the way my love did. He thinks, nay knows, that I deserve better and he just wants me to be happy especially since he won't be here for a year to console me the way he did today when I was being yelled at over the phone.
It's enlightening to know how much someone cares about you so much. You've impacted that person's life, one way or another, in such a way that you've left a permanent indentation. My best friend doesn't tell me ten to fifteen times a day that he loves me like my love does. But he is the one that truly loves me. I love both of them, even if it is in different lights, but rarely is the light shone on the one who truly loves you more. Today I was lucky to see the friend in my life, the light in my life, that is really there. If we do end up fixing things, it won't be the same between me and my love. Nothing is honeymoon and glitter forever, but you do need those lights in your life so you can realize what you deserve. I realized what I deserve, because I do have people in my life that give it to me.
I don't know how to continue this. I'm broken in a way I've never felt before. I'm not upset with anyone, I'm not destructive or sad or depressed or I don't even know what. I'm empty. I can't write. The passion is gone. And I don't know how to find it.
