I take a deep stretch and let out a thorough yawn before writing this. My eyes are hazy, my fingers possess the full intent to write a post.
First and foremost, I'm so proud of myself. I finished two paintings, and have been making progress on MCAT studying, if only it is baby steps that lead the way...at least something is!
-please ignore the fact that I just cornily used a fucking exclamation point-
I want to finish at least two more paintings before the weekend ends, and I'll be done with almost two MCAT books, which leaves three to go before I purchase another one filled with practice exams. If you yawned while reading that, it's okay, I don't know why you're reading my personal qualms anyways.
Reflecting on where I was mentally two months ago, it was a little before this very time at 3:22 am, that I learned that my grandfather passed away. I spiraled out of reality for a while, halted communication with all of my friends, and it all took a toll on my relationship. I was headed towards a dark, secluded place again, not something I've been a stranger to in life, but something I tried to be wary of, and avoid.
I wasn't inspired to converse (how unlike me as a Gemini), I wasn't inspired to create art in any form, and I definitely wasn't inspired to love. After fights and make ups and deep conversations with my love, I realized that this was a time to capitalize on my freedom and the support/love from my family, and use this time to not study or draw, but to soul search. To sit and write, sit and cry, lay and think, lay and let live. Within myself, I found the means to begin my way to inner peace, I began to pray again, and I began to forgive and carry on.
I deepened my love with my parents, my brother, my family, and my love. I found beauty in simplicity, and took long walks with my momma. I took my cousins and my brother out to eat, to talk, to laugh, to share. I may have at one point viewed this as wasted time because I did not study or paint, but now, in retrospect, it was exactly what I needed.
Slipping into my old insomniac ways now, I write at 3:36 am with tons of distractions, noting that I need to reign in just a bit and regain some control. This is the ebb and flow of life. I have mended and strengthened all valued relationships in my life. In returning the favor, I have been there for the ones that needed me, when they were there for me when I needed them. I do not count my good deeds anymore, but my blessings. I am so blessed.
