Honestly where was Sia when I was fucking up my life partying instead of studying in college?
I'm sorry, that's bullshit. No excuses, can't regret because at that moment it's what I wanted...can't deny that.
Sorry I said sorry, you said not to say that anymore and I have to do what you say or I upset you and ruin your future. Ruin my future? No I'll be fine.
Oh wait, I won't be fine because I will emotionally breakdown and cry for days, cry my eyes out cry my heart away, I will never recover. But no, no you will be fine, you will always be fine but not me.
I think she killed herself to escape a trap. I feel trapped, too. I am so sorry my beautiful lady, oh how I thought you were so beautiful with porcelain skin and your successful business and your beautiful custom Chanel wedding shoes and your perfect life. Perfect until he came in, huh? We are so broken, so destroyed by the outside, I promise I won't let you down. I looked up to you even when I didn't know you so well, I idolized your business and lavish life. Everyone is broken on the inside, we are so broken, you were no exception, I am not one either.
How do I know when I am making a mistake? The first time it was so crystal clear, well he brought it upon himself.
You make me cry every night, and you don't even know it, you horrible man. I don't want to look back at this post and wonder why I even wrote it. I want to remember the pain and deep sadness I felt writing this as tears streamed down my face not for you, but for love lost. Love is supposed to be our only salvation and it took a beautiful life and I don't want it to take mine. Love is not our savior, we are our own savior.
What am I afraid of? Being alone? I have realized that I thrive alone, my best art, my best studies, my best focus. Maybe that is one thing you're right about me. I keep building our relationship on lies because of you - because I can't say something without you telling me how I feel about it and what I mean...you say that I make you out to be a monster but you are a monster. You have preconceived notions and you will never ever recognize it because you only believe yourself because you are the apparent voice of all reason. I fucking HATE you. I am writing this and I hate myself because I am with someone I inherently hate and you hate me too I know it. I don't know why I hold on. I hope it will change but you're right, people don't change and you sure as hell won't. I hate myself because I hate you.
I will pray for you, angel, I will. Rest in paradise you beautiful soul. My Aja will protect you and hug you.
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