Holy Grail - Makeup

Foundation - Giorgio Armani Maestro Glow in 8 (try 7 next time)
Spot Concealer - Maybelline Studio master conceal in medium
Under Eye Concealer - Maybelline FitMe in sand & cafe
Under Eye Corrector - Giorgio Armani Master in orange
Setting Powder - ELF contour palette in dark/deep
Powder Contour - Urban Decay Beached bronzer in bronzed
Cream Contour - Maybelline FitMe stick foundation in coconut
Liquid Highlight - Revlon Photoready Skinlights in bare (discontinued?) // NARS in hot sand
Brow Pencil - Maybelline Studio brow precise micro
Brow Gel - Maybelline Studio sculpting
Mascara - L'oreal Telescopic carbon black
Lip gloss - NARS in turkish delight
Lip pencil - Shiseido Smoothing in mahogany

Holy Grails - Skin care

Face wash - Olay Foaming cleanser (not the one I've been using, also discontinued, try this one)
Makeup remover - La Roche Posay Micelle water
Eye makeup remover - Simple dual phase (Nuance dual phase discontinued, try this one)
Makeup wipes - Neutrogena
Exfoliator - St. Ive's coconut oil scrub 
Mask - Global Beauty Care Premium dead sea mask
Post-mask treatment - Mario Badescu Vitamin C serum (to replace sample packs)
Moisturizer - Embryolisse
Body Moisturizer - Trader Joe's Virgin Coconut Oil
Face Sunscreen - La Roche Posay Anthelios 50 Primer
Body Sunscreen - Neutrogena CoolDry Sport SPF 50
Night serum - Misa Geum Sul toner
Eye cream - Misa Geum Sul vitalizing
Eye patches - Global Beauty Care Premium collagen
Acne spot treatment - Clean and Clear persa gel
Face oil - Rosehips oil (Nude discontinued, try this one)
Face mist - La Roche Posay thermal water // Mario Badescu rose water (work, portable)
Lip treatment - CO Bigelow rose salve

Daily Regimen:
Morning - Embryolisse; rose salve
Night - Misa toner, eye cream; rose salve
Treatment - persa gel
Body - coconut oil

Makeup Regimen:
Prep - face oil; Misa eye cream
Seal - thermal water

Makeup Removal Regimen:
Heavy - wipes; cleanser; dual phase; micelle water
Light - micelle water; dual phase

Mask Regimen:
2x week - exfoliate; serum; rose salve
1x week - mask; serum; eye patches; rose salve

Sun Regimen:
Face - Embryolisse; Anthelios; rose salve
Body - CoolDry

This Needs an App Revival

Sidebar to life - seriously Google? You support a massive community on Blogger/Blogspot (still can't believe you have blogger.com but xyz.blogspot.com ?? like hello figure it out) and fucked the app for iOS? Is this a ploy to move everyone over to Android? Fuck that.

Speaking of revivals, it's almost like I never learn. I make the same mistakes over and over and over again and I'm sick and embarrassed at this point I'm too old. I'm too old for it.

It really makes you wonder if people ever change. He was right, he tells me time and time again we don't inherently change. I find some sort of fucked up, twisted comfort in that because at least we know what to expect.

I think everything with us is looking up, coming home was definitely a good move to clear my head and get back on a more me-focused schedule. 

Tomorrow I want to finish my take-home exam (goodbye finals), start painting and work out. That's an easy enough schedule to follow. Get some progress done on my transparency sewing project.

Day after I should take a trip to Barnes and Noble (sidebar - one on Central Ave is the closest and best parking) for a GRE book and more, maybe something to spark the intellect.

I finally remembered why I even logged onto Blogger, was going to make a holy grail post- coming up sharp - but it's also to revive the spark within and compensate for the depressing posts prior to this.

Revival of my life - I am a Renaissance woman in constant rebirth of all things.

Time is shedding another skin and I am transcending to thus another stretch of the path, it's time to take it back into my control. Be positive. Vibe with the ebb and flow of the universe. Clear the conscience.

go

pack your bags and leave. i cant live with you. i cant deal with you being emotionally abusive anymore it tears me apart. i dont really love you anymore

It's Not Even 12 and Yet

I haven't felt this way in a long time but I genuinely want to kill myself.

Right now, I feel nothing but emptiness, hollowness, decay.

I wish for death and nothing more.

Party Girls Don't Get Hurt

Honestly where was Sia when I was fucking up my life partying instead of studying in college?
I'm sorry, that's bullshit. No excuses, can't regret because at that moment it's what I wanted...can't deny that.
Sorry I said sorry, you said not to say that anymore and I have to do what you say or I upset you and ruin your future. Ruin my future? No I'll be fine.
Oh wait, I won't be fine because I will emotionally breakdown and cry for days, cry my eyes out cry my heart away, I will never recover. But no, no you will be fine, you will always be fine but not me.

I think she killed herself to escape a trap. I feel trapped, too. I am so sorry my beautiful lady, oh how I thought you were so beautiful with porcelain skin and your successful business and your beautiful custom Chanel wedding shoes and your perfect life. Perfect until he came in, huh? We are so broken, so destroyed by the outside, I promise I won't let you down. I looked up to you even when I didn't know you so well, I idolized your business and lavish life. Everyone is broken on the inside, we are so broken, you were no exception, I am not one either.

How do I know when I am making a mistake? The first time it was so crystal clear, well he brought it upon himself.
You make me cry every night, and you don't even know it, you horrible man. I don't want to look back at this post and wonder why I even wrote it. I want to remember the pain and deep sadness I felt writing this as tears streamed down my face not for you, but for love lost. Love is supposed to be our only salvation and it took a beautiful life and I don't want it to take mine. Love is not our savior, we are our own savior.

What am I afraid of? Being alone? I have realized that I thrive alone, my best art, my best studies, my best focus. Maybe that is one thing you're right about me. I keep building our relationship on lies because of you - because I can't say something without you telling me how I feel about it and what I mean...you say that I make you out to be a monster but you are a monster. You have preconceived notions and you will never ever recognize it because you only believe yourself because you are the apparent voice of all reason. I fucking HATE you. I am writing this and I hate myself because I am with someone I inherently hate and you hate me too I know it. I don't know why I hold on. I hope it will change but you're right, people don't change and you sure as hell won't. I hate myself because I hate you.

I will pray for you, angel, I will. Rest in paradise you beautiful soul. My Aja will protect you and hug you.

New Post to Help Me Fall Asleep

I take a deep stretch and let out a thorough yawn before writing this. My eyes are hazy, my fingers possess the full intent to write a post.

First and foremost, I'm so proud of myself. I finished two paintings, and have been making progress on MCAT studying, if only it is baby steps that lead the way...at least something is!

-please ignore the fact that I just cornily used a fucking exclamation point-

I want to finish at least two more paintings before the weekend ends, and I'll be done with almost two MCAT books, which leaves three to go before I purchase another one filled with practice exams. If you yawned while reading that, it's okay, I don't know why you're reading my personal qualms anyways.

Reflecting on where I was mentally two months ago, it was a little before this very time at 3:22 am, that I learned that my grandfather passed away. I spiraled out of reality for a while, halted communication with all of my friends, and it all took a toll on my relationship. I was headed towards a dark, secluded place again, not something I've been a stranger to in life, but something I tried to be wary of, and avoid.

I wasn't inspired to converse (how unlike me as a Gemini), I wasn't inspired to create art in any form, and I definitely wasn't inspired to love. After fights and make ups and deep conversations with my love, I realized that this was a time to capitalize on my freedom and the support/love from my family, and use this time to not study or draw, but to soul search. To sit and write, sit and cry, lay and think, lay and let live. Within myself, I found the means to begin my way to inner peace, I began to pray again, and I began to forgive and carry on.

I deepened my love with my parents, my brother, my family, and my love. I found beauty in simplicity, and took long walks with my momma. I took my cousins and my brother out to eat, to talk, to laugh, to share. I may have at one point viewed this as wasted time because I did not study or paint, but now, in retrospect, it was exactly what I needed.

Slipping into my old insomniac ways now, I write at 3:36 am with tons of distractions, noting that I need to reign in just a bit and regain some control. This is the ebb and flow of life. I have mended and strengthened all valued relationships in my life. In returning the favor, I have been there for the ones that needed me, when they were there for me when I needed them. I do not count my good deeds anymore, but my blessings. I am so blessed.