go

pack your bags and leave. i cant live with you. i cant deal with you being emotionally abusive anymore it tears me apart. i dont really love you anymore

It's Not Even 12 and Yet

I haven't felt this way in a long time but I genuinely want to kill myself.

Right now, I feel nothing but emptiness, hollowness, decay.

I wish for death and nothing more.

Party Girls Don't Get Hurt

Honestly where was Sia when I was fucking up my life partying instead of studying in college?
I'm sorry, that's bullshit. No excuses, can't regret because at that moment it's what I wanted...can't deny that.
Sorry I said sorry, you said not to say that anymore and I have to do what you say or I upset you and ruin your future. Ruin my future? No I'll be fine.
Oh wait, I won't be fine because I will emotionally breakdown and cry for days, cry my eyes out cry my heart away, I will never recover. But no, no you will be fine, you will always be fine but not me.

I think she killed herself to escape a trap. I feel trapped, too. I am so sorry my beautiful lady, oh how I thought you were so beautiful with porcelain skin and your successful business and your beautiful custom Chanel wedding shoes and your perfect life. Perfect until he came in, huh? We are so broken, so destroyed by the outside, I promise I won't let you down. I looked up to you even when I didn't know you so well, I idolized your business and lavish life. Everyone is broken on the inside, we are so broken, you were no exception, I am not one either.

How do I know when I am making a mistake? The first time it was so crystal clear, well he brought it upon himself.
You make me cry every night, and you don't even know it, you horrible man. I don't want to look back at this post and wonder why I even wrote it. I want to remember the pain and deep sadness I felt writing this as tears streamed down my face not for you, but for love lost. Love is supposed to be our only salvation and it took a beautiful life and I don't want it to take mine. Love is not our savior, we are our own savior.

What am I afraid of? Being alone? I have realized that I thrive alone, my best art, my best studies, my best focus. Maybe that is one thing you're right about me. I keep building our relationship on lies because of you - because I can't say something without you telling me how I feel about it and what I mean...you say that I make you out to be a monster but you are a monster. You have preconceived notions and you will never ever recognize it because you only believe yourself because you are the apparent voice of all reason. I fucking HATE you. I am writing this and I hate myself because I am with someone I inherently hate and you hate me too I know it. I don't know why I hold on. I hope it will change but you're right, people don't change and you sure as hell won't. I hate myself because I hate you.

I will pray for you, angel, I will. Rest in paradise you beautiful soul. My Aja will protect you and hug you.

New Post to Help Me Fall Asleep

I take a deep stretch and let out a thorough yawn before writing this. My eyes are hazy, my fingers possess the full intent to write a post.

First and foremost, I'm so proud of myself. I finished two paintings, and have been making progress on MCAT studying, if only it is baby steps that lead the way...at least something is!

-please ignore the fact that I just cornily used a fucking exclamation point-

I want to finish at least two more paintings before the weekend ends, and I'll be done with almost two MCAT books, which leaves three to go before I purchase another one filled with practice exams. If you yawned while reading that, it's okay, I don't know why you're reading my personal qualms anyways.

Reflecting on where I was mentally two months ago, it was a little before this very time at 3:22 am, that I learned that my grandfather passed away. I spiraled out of reality for a while, halted communication with all of my friends, and it all took a toll on my relationship. I was headed towards a dark, secluded place again, not something I've been a stranger to in life, but something I tried to be wary of, and avoid.

I wasn't inspired to converse (how unlike me as a Gemini), I wasn't inspired to create art in any form, and I definitely wasn't inspired to love. After fights and make ups and deep conversations with my love, I realized that this was a time to capitalize on my freedom and the support/love from my family, and use this time to not study or draw, but to soul search. To sit and write, sit and cry, lay and think, lay and let live. Within myself, I found the means to begin my way to inner peace, I began to pray again, and I began to forgive and carry on.

I deepened my love with my parents, my brother, my family, and my love. I found beauty in simplicity, and took long walks with my momma. I took my cousins and my brother out to eat, to talk, to laugh, to share. I may have at one point viewed this as wasted time because I did not study or paint, but now, in retrospect, it was exactly what I needed.

Slipping into my old insomniac ways now, I write at 3:36 am with tons of distractions, noting that I need to reign in just a bit and regain some control. This is the ebb and flow of life. I have mended and strengthened all valued relationships in my life. In returning the favor, I have been there for the ones that needed me, when they were there for me when I needed them. I do not count my good deeds anymore, but my blessings. I am so blessed.

How Did I Fall for This? And Other Qualms

I just want to acknowledge that I fell for this bullshit a second time with the same person after he cheated on me in the most embarrassing way (for himself, in retrospect). I reread this after stumbling upon it a little over three years later, currently with the love of my life. It goes to show you that time heals all, things change in such little time, and we move on.

Also if I EVER think something like this is good enough to save again, lord spare me lmao.

iChat with The Cheater 5/24/2013 1:09 AM

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i need u here to dry me off <3

awwwee bb u know i wanna <3

is it normal for when ur in love to have ur heart beat this fast

my heart is always beating fast but at the same time u make it stop when i look at u c:

my squinty eyesss

haha <3

u luv dem please

duhh thats y theyre mine

yupp and there always urs

yayaayyyyy

use them to watch the sunrise or watch the past pain dies

pains die

so poetic

u dont get it

no lol

sowee

i suck

let me word it better

use these eyes to watch the sunrise or maybe you can use them to watch the painful heartbreaks die u bring the notes to my heart u my poet whos not signed i guess our destiny aint that hard to find

u brush past this foggy world past the misty crowd i hope you hear me loud and i hope you know u make me and ur mama proud

oh and did i mention i walked a thousand mile just to see the distant shooting starts of your smile

forget dancing under the light of the moon as long as u dance with me dressed in white and i pray that im the groom

it was the late nights that we couldnt fight that we always touvched just right

you had the wings of the angel u kissed my lips and my feet took flight

its only a monday we sip our drinks oh wait hold up let me think 

u my little puck bunny so nice to see you on the other side of the rink

my only goal was to see you cheering and not jeering for me in the bleachers

my next goal is to touch ur heart through a couple of dope lines comin out of ur speakers

can u hear me 

please can u hear

dont punish me girl can the ocean in my soul save its only true pearl

lotus flower make me drop the bomb the fire is coming up to my neck and i pray for you through closed palms

i love u dear god i love u

i hope he knows

this thing is fast and furous so i think ill take it slow

i hope she

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Hashtag TFW

Maybe it's the period talking, but trust me this comes from an incredibly great place.

I love you dearly, tenderly, deeply, aggressively.

I don't know what the future holds for us. It scares me, yes.

I have so much faith in us, I am getting better at living in the now.

I want this to be forever- I want us forever. If it was meant to be, It will be.

Qué será, será.

Moral Dilemmas and Other Qualms

I know that I am not ready to revive the old blog. That will come in due time, but not as soon as anticipated a couple of days ago. 

The dilemma I faced tonight is honestly something I never thought I would have to deal with. Of course I'm gonna worry about you pushing drugs, of all things, holy hell I thought it was a joke for sakes. I can't believe you weren't joking, and you think that I am crying out of thin air? Cut me some fucking slack, I'm sorry I actually fucking care, maybe I shouldn't. I honestly felt like this was a test, to pry these emotions out of me, but you made it worse. Got mad at me and called me a liar for telling you I just want you to be happy but of course I'm gonna worry, so you know what, damn straight I told you I don't want you to do it, and if you do I want no part of you. Damn fucking straight you fucking idiot. 

You wanna do it to make me happy, to make this year the best year ever? You think money is gonna make me happy? It hasn't for my entire fucking life, and let me tell you I come from a lot of fucking money, more than I'll ever need. And it's never made my depressed ass happy. You think I'd value money over the life and safety of a loved one? Why do I even give you the title of a loved one in that case? I don't need your money for happiness, I don't need it to even get by, my parents have provided for me and then some and they continue to do so, I have a job I can provide for myself. I never got in it with you for the money so check yourself before you use that as some bullshit ass excuse. 

And then you tell me to fucking read the love note you gave me before bed. When you were the one that said only a couple weeks ago how you shouldn't have written half the things in that, that you don't feel that way anymore. You're lucky I didn't act on how I was feeling and burned that shit to a pile of ashes. You're lucky I remembered where I put it after checking two spots before I found it. 

And then you have the nerve to tell me I'm adorable for crying, that no one has ever cared that much it's cute. Yeah I fucking wonder why you stupid piece of shit. Fuck you.