How Did I Fall for This? And Other Qualms

I just want to acknowledge that I fell for this bullshit a second time with the same person after he cheated on me in the most embarrassing way (for himself, in retrospect). I reread this after stumbling upon it a little over three years later, currently with the love of my life. It goes to show you that time heals all, things change in such little time, and we move on.

Also if I EVER think something like this is good enough to save again, lord spare me lmao.

iChat with The Cheater 5/24/2013 1:09 AM

------------------------------------------------------

i need u here to dry me off <3

awwwee bb u know i wanna <3

is it normal for when ur in love to have ur heart beat this fast

my heart is always beating fast but at the same time u make it stop when i look at u c:

my squinty eyesss

haha <3

u luv dem please

duhh thats y theyre mine

yupp and there always urs

yayaayyyyy

use them to watch the sunrise or watch the past pain dies

pains die

so poetic

u dont get it

no lol

sowee

i suck

let me word it better

use these eyes to watch the sunrise or maybe you can use them to watch the painful heartbreaks die u bring the notes to my heart u my poet whos not signed i guess our destiny aint that hard to find

u brush past this foggy world past the misty crowd i hope you hear me loud and i hope you know u make me and ur mama proud

oh and did i mention i walked a thousand mile just to see the distant shooting starts of your smile

forget dancing under the light of the moon as long as u dance with me dressed in white and i pray that im the groom

it was the late nights that we couldnt fight that we always touvched just right

you had the wings of the angel u kissed my lips and my feet took flight

its only a monday we sip our drinks oh wait hold up let me think 

u my little puck bunny so nice to see you on the other side of the rink

my only goal was to see you cheering and not jeering for me in the bleachers

my next goal is to touch ur heart through a couple of dope lines comin out of ur speakers

can u hear me 

please can u hear

dont punish me girl can the ocean in my soul save its only true pearl

lotus flower make me drop the bomb the fire is coming up to my neck and i pray for you through closed palms

i love u dear god i love u

i hope he knows

this thing is fast and furous so i think ill take it slow

i hope she

------------------------------------------------------

Hashtag TFW

Maybe it's the period talking, but trust me this comes from an incredibly great place.

I love you dearly, tenderly, deeply, aggressively.

I don't know what the future holds for us. It scares me, yes.

I have so much faith in us, I am getting better at living in the now.

I want this to be forever- I want us forever. If it was meant to be, It will be.

Qué será, será.

Moral Dilemmas and Other Qualms

I know that I am not ready to revive the old blog. That will come in due time, but not as soon as anticipated a couple of days ago. 

The dilemma I faced tonight is honestly something I never thought I would have to deal with. Of course I'm gonna worry about you pushing drugs, of all things, holy hell I thought it was a joke for sakes. I can't believe you weren't joking, and you think that I am crying out of thin air? Cut me some fucking slack, I'm sorry I actually fucking care, maybe I shouldn't. I honestly felt like this was a test, to pry these emotions out of me, but you made it worse. Got mad at me and called me a liar for telling you I just want you to be happy but of course I'm gonna worry, so you know what, damn straight I told you I don't want you to do it, and if you do I want no part of you. Damn fucking straight you fucking idiot. 

You wanna do it to make me happy, to make this year the best year ever? You think money is gonna make me happy? It hasn't for my entire fucking life, and let me tell you I come from a lot of fucking money, more than I'll ever need. And it's never made my depressed ass happy. You think I'd value money over the life and safety of a loved one? Why do I even give you the title of a loved one in that case? I don't need your money for happiness, I don't need it to even get by, my parents have provided for me and then some and they continue to do so, I have a job I can provide for myself. I never got in it with you for the money so check yourself before you use that as some bullshit ass excuse. 

And then you tell me to fucking read the love note you gave me before bed. When you were the one that said only a couple weeks ago how you shouldn't have written half the things in that, that you don't feel that way anymore. You're lucky I didn't act on how I was feeling and burned that shit to a pile of ashes. You're lucky I remembered where I put it after checking two spots before I found it. 

And then you have the nerve to tell me I'm adorable for crying, that no one has ever cared that much it's cute. Yeah I fucking wonder why you stupid piece of shit. Fuck you.

On How to Revive Something Long Dead

I'm proud of myself. It's taken a lot but I'm slowly studying. I'm only one day behind schedule but hopefully tomorrow can make up for that. I want to start painting again, I really don't know what's holding me back...honestly it might be just a lack of sleep.

Baby steps have been working, time to turn those into strides.

I feel revitalized, I feel the old me surging through my vessels, about to take over much, much stronger than before, of course all in due time. Perfection does not come quickly, and certainly not when you want it. 

I'm struggling with the fact that I don't know how to bring back AlexByDay. I've branded myself as -you know what- (trying to avoid search engines from finding this blog), and Alvitam has been my personal collection of misery and broken pieces that should've been picked up a long time ago. I definitely do not want to carry the negativity that lurks here to AlexByDay, because it was not about that, but I don't know how to transition. I definitely wouldn't let go of this either because I'll always need the animosity of my personal hell-hole sanctuary.

I must realize that when the time comes, I will know and I will be ready. All in due time.

(note to self, any mention of AlexByDay will have to be deleted from this blog to avoid search engines if it is ever revived$

Dem Nuh Worry We

I think things are looking up. After this weekend, which should be good for me, it's a 180. We're gonna finish studying, finish cranking out MAD good art, use up all that watercolor paper and canvas.

Gonna finish studying for the MCATs and then buy another book.

I keep telling myself these things and it's as if I look back on it sometimes and get down because I'm not making progress but I need to practice what I preach: we tend to forget that baby steps still move us forward.

I saw this thing today I wanna remember it: "In Your Twenties- Your 20's are your 'selfish' years. It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground" -Kyoko Escamilla.

After a lot of soul searching, having loved and lost, a lot of lazy "me" time doing absolutely nothing, I've decided I will not waste another year of my 20's, or even my life anymore, and I'll chase the sun.

This weekend is going to be a start to a cleanse, a good beginning and a start on the right foot with my love. I'll learn to breathe again, take it easy, smell roses, and calm the fuck down about things.

Not tryna cut years off of my life because of anxiety and depression. Gotta meditate and let that shit go.

My goal is to get AlexByDay back, and I can only do that by achieving all my other goals first to pursue happiness.


(side note- have I used this title before on something?)

I Wish I Could Send this to You and Never Hear You Again

This whole summer doin the distance thing has really caught up to me. In the beginning, I clearly loved you more and wanted this more than you did. After all your constant bitching about how this summer sucks, how your life sucks, how I take it all for granted, you somehow ended up reversing the roles. 

Unlike you, I'm not resentful. I just grew tired of you constantly putting me down and lecturing me. Of your constant whining although, ironically, I'm not allowed to complain about shit, especially to you. 

I grew tired and that faded my love. I can tell that you're trying harder now to hold on, maybe because you've realized that I'm fizzling out of this, maybe because you're afraid of letting go, or maybe because we're so close to "being together" that you've decided to turn the leaf.

Regardless of what it may be, I'm sick of you always calling me a retard, calling me stupid and annoying and telling me you wouldn't do x y z to me, even though when I say I would never speak to you the way you speak to me you take it as a personal attack. 

You say you're working on yourself but you love to keep me as an inferior. 

I am so tired of you and of the mere thought of you that I wonder more times than not if I truly love you anymore. 

No, I don't think that being with you this year is going to make it the best year of my life thus far- I lied about that, because I NEVER thought that. It would only make this year more difficult, and I did at one point think you were worth it. And no, I can't really imagine a future with us after college anymore, although at one point I did. 

Hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you.