NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY IS A LION!!

I remember the first time I ever felt like someone, a valid someone. 

For some reason, my dad took me to PS121, my first elementary school, at night for some raffle or some parents meeting who tf even remembers anymore.

But that night, I was given this card, and they told me to sign my name on the back of it. It was burgundy with some letting and a cool ass lion logo on it. It was a NY Public Library card, and it was mine.

Why I Like to Write at Night and Other Details About My Throat

I like to write at night because I feel uninhibited, because the alert chemicals in our brains decrease around this time. I like to write because maybe the high is gone or is fading and clarity is being restored right behind my eyes from since the last time highness was acheived. Tonight I like to write because she was right, eventually if it was meant to happen it will all fall into place so I just have to ignore my feelings for him right now if he is to stay my best friend. I don't believe in coincidences, right? So it must be something that brought and kept us together. I just don't want to be the one that ruins it because I'm all too good at that and I'm even better at maintaining a loss as if I had never cared in the first place.

My left throat lymph node is swolen. When the first tear drops from the left eye, it apparently signifies sadness. What does this mean for the gland?

Yo Te Lo Dije

I want this post to bring clarity to my mind so that it may be open to completing what I have set forth for the next month.

Now that I've actually started writing this, I realized that I do not wish to cover the read-end occurrence of mother's new vehicle. I felt no actual remorse to the car's physical damage, but to my mother's hurt of having spent her entire day getting to Long Island to pick up this car and bring it back. I understand the pain even though her sadness seems to be over a material object, I can tell it's really just about lost time, bad timing, and the classic "why do bad things happen to good people". So as to cover this topic, I believe I just have.

I'm getting fat but I realize that I am currently bloated and haven't worked out in probably a month - honestly I haven't been complaining because my butt is fabulous right now. I will start working out tomorrow targeting my stomach and face.

Just checked the organic lab website - guess they're revamping or something because all of the labs are taken down so I'll hold off on the prelabs.

Need Christmas to come so I can collect all my bills and decide over what I will divide the money.

Thinking back, this post is a lot stupider than what I had projected it to be. I have forgotten what I really wanted to write about. Maybe that's a good thing, that I am on the verge of clarity already.

Being Back On this Bed Makes Me Think

I fell in love again. I know it's a mere infatuation but at this point I can admit that I am obsessed. I can admit that I am trying to rush things again. I am admitting I need to relax.

This feeling, overconsuming my thoughts at every waking hour, is different than before. It's not a crush- in fact, it was never a crush. How much of it is reciprocated is unknown to me and makes me fall even harder.

Here I am trying to contain myself, control my animal within me. I finally feel the fire behind my eyes again. My demons are coming back to me, those once released from the sadness that overtook me some years ago. 

I am growing darker, more cynical, more introspective. Ironically all in a positive light to the outside observers. I am grabbing the reigns and detoxing myself. Cleaning my physical body and healing my mental. Ironically all because my demons came back to me. 

I Told Myself That I've Been Trying to Figure This Out For a Few Hours But It Has Been a Few Years

How does one stay happy?

Been Thinkin

We walk fine lines everyday. Between striking and ugly, treasure and trash. What we don't understand is that we draw those lines. 

Don't piss where you walk.

Things I Didn't Ask For At 6:23 am, Pt. 1

Being forced into the realm of living, humanity, is my greatest sadness.