You're Gonna Look Back at This and Be So Disappointed in Yourself

Don't sing or make stupid noises or make dumb faces anymore. Don't do it.

Don't be unappreciative. He does everything for you. He goes out of his way, even though his schedule is so packed and busy, to talk to you all the time and see you and hear you and support you. You support him too, just not as much as he does for you.

Don't be entitled. Your parents gave you everything and a silver spoon. He is spoiled too, apparently, even though your life is lightyears better than his, you're both entitled but he's appreciative at least, you're not. You're a child, you act like a child, you probably won't change. You need to change.

You can't change him, accept him or leave him, but you need to change.

Always have a good topic or conversation or there's no point in conversing. Like what's the point of talking if there's nothing to say, you're 200 miles away at this point, make it count or forget about it, right?

Elaborate on your texts. Make sure you say EXACTLY how you feel down to a tee, maybe you should expand your vocabulary. If you don't, you're a liar. Don't ever lie.

Don't EVER talk about your mental illnesses again. They don't matter, they're not an excuse. Matter of fact, nothing is an excuse. Don't bring it up, you're not special, you're not the only one battling something. Who do you even think you are? Your anxiety and depression do not matter.

Don't make everything a big deal. Why do you continue to text anyways? You know you shouldn't and you don't want to get into conflict.

Stand up for yourself, but be careful, tread carefully. You'll get ripped apart, mostly because you deserve it for being so fucking stupid all the time. You're dense and stupid. He's not perfect, don't put him on a pedestal, but he's better than you and you don't deserve him. You never deserved him and you should be lucky that you even have him.

He's the greatest thing you happen to you, matter of fact. If you lose him you'll never find a better guy. All of your past relationships were shit. You are inherently shit, you attract shit.

If We Break Up I'll Send This to You

I thought the passion was back. I hate the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder". I hate it because I fully believed in it when I saw it for the first time- not really knowing what it meant. Every single person I've told it to has rejected it, saying that it's not true, distance rips things apart. I was so naive. I'd rather live in my false hope when it was blatantly explained to me.

When my Aja died, I fell deeper into my problems. We were fighting around this time, you made it known to me that you were there for me regardless. I prayed that night that if we weren't meant to be, that my Aja would send me some sort of sign. I believed that he showed me no signs.

But we kept fighting. It got worse. You said that you thought our relationship was maybe trash, that you're happy that we'll be seeing each other soon because maybe it'll help us figure out if we could fix our problems or if we should just fuck it. I swear on my own fucking death that I don't think like that and I never did. We are so different, I was so fucking stupid to not realize that.

The day I told you my mom scheduled me for an MRI, you yelled at me over the phone because I interrupted your work out when you had a stressful day at work- pretty sure you were also mad because I couldn't take your call earlier. Because of that, I didn't tell you that I am getting an MRI because I had a seizure that day. I didn't want you to judge me or suddenly feel bad- you were nasty to me and you didn't deserve to know.

I remained optimistic throughout everything because of a lot of reasons. The first and foremost, the strongest of them all, is because I genuinely love you- I may not be yours, but you made me realize that you are my first love. You constantly ripped us apart and I still remained optimistic. You told me to not be optimistic for you, that I should be realistic for us. I was optimistic because if you wouldn't be, it is what you called the self-fulfilling prophecy, and it would end us. I held on and fight after fight you ripped me apart. I can only hold on for so long- not because I'm weak, but because I'm tired. What's the point? Your terrible attitude ripped me into my own depression.

You bought me a ring and at first I was so excited- what's with it with guys always buying me rings- but it was from you. I wish you never bought that ring.

I wonder if you actually love me or are scared to be alone again. I know for a fact I'm not the type of person you wanted to love.

The signs have always been right in front of me. I was so naive.

I tried with you. There's more to life than getting high and sleeping in with you. I had to let go of us to show myself what I could do.

A Note From Someone Who Loves Your Soul

Of course I share the same fear as you do, just not to the same degree. I don't fear losing you because I know I'll do anything I need to in order to keep you, because I believe when two people genuinely love each other nothing can separate them. You need to let go of that fear, you need to because without letting it go it will harm our relationship. Nothing is more detrimental to a relationship than each person trying to secure themselves, protect themselves, from feeling they need the other person. That's what love is, I need you, of course I could function without you but my quality of life wouldn't compare. If you let that fear effect you, it's a self fulfilling prophecy and we won't end up together. That's the risk you have to take, a risk you have to accept in order to achieve something amazing: genuine love. We've both had experiences that rattled us as individuals, that caused us to question ourselves; but that is why we are special, because that won't ever happen again, not on my watch. Please don't forget you do as much for me as I do for you; you see a confident, fun loving, easy going , motivated guy because you allowed me to feel that way again. When I was in high school, as a sophomore and junior, my teammates and coaches constantly referred to me as "fearless". I was never intimidated by anyone, I would never back down, and my teammates knew it. That's a mindset I've taken with me, I try to be fearless; it's based in a fundamental belief in myself, on a belief that everything will workout at the end of the day. For the first time in my life, this year, I lost that mentality; I was scared, I questioned myself. When I met you, I knew how much chemistry we had, I knew how special you were; but I also knew I had that fear in the back of my mind. Being around you allowed me yo return to my natural state, in my natural state I am fearless, because I only see potential, I only see success. What allows me to be so fearless is my ability to ignore the things most people fear, unlike you I don't think about how things could go wrong or how a decision could cost me dearly; I only see success, I only see it all working out. I see things this way because I believe in myself, I believe we're meant to be together, and I believe we can overcome anything together. For a while, I think you sensed that fear in me and you responded by restraining your feelings. There is no room for fear, no room for considering failure; I love you, I believe in us. Once again, I'm fearless because I know I won't lose you, I know I won't. You need to reframe fear in your mind, stop fearing getting hurt, start fearing what you'll miss out on if you let a fear of being hurt affect you. That's why it bothers me when you always say I should think about us and let you know when we argue: that's clear cut fear. You're sitting there waiting for something to go wrong, waiting to get hurt: you need to recognize your agency in life YOU HAVE CONTROL. When you think, "oh no we're going to break up", I think "hell no, I won't let this happen". I would rather overestimate my control over life than live in fear, I would rather live fearlessly and be wrong than live in fear. Part of this is because of my ex girlfriend, partly because you have always felt I'm not 100% yours. You need to have more confidence in yourself; how could I possibly want anyone but you. WE are the best couple I've ever seen, certainly the best I've been a part of. You make me laugh like no one ever has, you let me be my normal weird self, you love me the way I love you, you share similar values to me, you are the coolest girl ever, you make me want to succeed, YOU. I love YOU, I love you for the person you are, I love you for how you make me feel, I love you for the chemistry we have, I love you. I suppose it will just take time, but at some point you'll realize/accept how much I love you. I fully EXPECT to marry you, I expect to spend the rest of my life with you, and I expect to be the happiest person in the world because of it. I always say I fear losing you but I really don't because I have blind faith that we are meant to be together, that we will be together: that is love. 

Blood Oath to Myself

No more crying after this week.

No more feeling sorry for yourself.

No more not standing up for yourself.

No more not knowing your self worth.

No more taking shit.

No more procrastination.

No more wallowing.

No more wasting your own time.

No more not reading, not doing problem sets, not edifying yourself.

No more fearing being alone. You need to be alone. You did your best alone.

They'll always come running back.

No more not listening to music.

No more not expressing yourself.

No more skipping work outs.

They always come back. And if they don't, fuck it.

Til Death Do Us Part

After many years of deliberation, it took the death of my grandfather to help me realize what I mean when I tell people "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual".

To begin, I don't think it is fair to call myself religious when I have not been devout to one faith for my life. I was raised with a mix of both Christianity and Hinduism, however not practicing either to an even normal extent. I only celebrate holidays, I only attend church/temple for ceremonies at this point in my life. Neither of my parents practice, either, but they were both raised in strict hindu homes and both strangely enough attended Catholic schools.

I do not believe in a "higher power"- I do not believe that there is a man up somewhere we call "God". I do not believe in heaven or hell because modern science disputes this with tangible evidence as we know the constituents of the atmosphere and the center of the Earth. I do not believe that the Bible nor the Bhagavad Gita are anything more than spiritual stories developed over time to comfort the disturbed. I consider myself to follow more of the Gita than the Bible, but both have lessons that we can all learn from, when heeded with humility and genuine love for others.

I do believe that there is a higher order, though, and this is why I claim to be spiritual. The basis of chemistry (especially Biochemistry, my major) is thermodynamics. Any given system and its surroundings make up the universe. We theorize that the universe we are in is infinitely expanding and degrading simultaneously, and because of this, it is possible that any given point can be the center of the universe. Thermodynamics dictates that the universe tends towards higher entropy: chaos, randomness, disorder. This is a factor of what we call [Gibbs] Free Energy, the other being physical heat (enthalpy). Organize this energy, and you drive the crucial processes that give life. The Big Bang Theory is a model we use to explain the creation of the world, the beginning of the ordering process that creates the universe in which we occupy today. We as humans want to create order- we always want to explain everything.

The death of my grandfather, the first death that is so close to home for me in my lifetime, has enlightened me on explaining my concept of "higher order". Maybe you have heard the saying, "we are all made up of star dust that has existed since the beginning of time". This fundamentally makes sense if we consider that matter cannot be created nor destroyed, since "star dust" will be recycled throughout time, meaning that we are all parts of our predecessors, dinosaurs, ancient plants, rocks, minerals. This is the matter of it all though, only the physicality of it all. Thinking more deeply now, you must wonder how can matter not be created but it all had to be created from something at some point, like we theorize? Inherently, this is contradictory in nature, a flaw that we have as humans.

I explain this contradiction with my knowledge of Free Energy. Think about the disparity between what scientists (psychologists) call the brain vs. the mind. The brain is the physical entity, subject to damage and disease. The mind, however, is the thought process, the contemplation, the intangible. Although affected by the physical, the mind is something that we cannot access in others the way we can perform lobotomies and access the brain in others. This is true of the physical body made up of star dust vs. the soul, or the contained, organized energy. There is so much Free Energy in the world to drive living processes, ordered into higher forms of life such as animals and plants. This energy is what is contained within the soul, it is our mind. Our bodies are containers for this energy like the brain is the container for the mind. When we die, the energy is released once more into the surroundings from the system (body) as Free Energy, we grow cold because the enthalpy dissipates so fast. We do not go to heaven, we do not go to hell. We are in the universe we always were in, however not anymore imprisoned in the physical manifestation of star dust subject to disease and decay. We are at peace when we die because we are free again, the energy released back to the natural state of things, increasing entropy.

So how I support the Big Bang Theory is from this, that there was so much Free Energy at one given moment that a single spontaneous event occurred, and the energy collapsed within itself to create something much more ordered than it has ever been.

This gave me peace because my grandfather is always going to be in my surroundings as Free Energy, and he will always be physically part of me, as we share the same star dust.

To my dearest Aja, I know you may not be able to read this, but I know that you will feel my vibes, my contained energy. You were the patriarch of this incredible family. You are the bloodline. I love you, I love you so much I myself cannot begin to hold back tears. I see you in my father, I see you in my chachas, my brother, my cousins, and especially in myself. I love you, I have always loved you and appreciated you and looked up to you and respected you SO incredibly much. You are now the center of my universe. I pray because the vibes from my prayers are my only communication to you now. I pray because I cannot thank you enough, my soul is forever indebted to yours and will only be set free when I die too.