I thought the passion was back. I hate the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder". I hate it because I fully believed in it when I saw it for the first time- not really knowing what it meant. Every single person I've told it to has rejected it, saying that it's not true, distance rips things apart. I was so naive. I'd rather live in my false hope when it was blatantly explained to me.
When my Aja died, I fell deeper into my problems. We were fighting around this time, you made it known to me that you were there for me regardless. I prayed that night that if we weren't meant to be, that my Aja would send me some sort of sign. I believed that he showed me no signs.
But we kept fighting. It got worse. You said that you thought our relationship was maybe trash, that you're happy that we'll be seeing each other soon because maybe it'll help us figure out if we could fix our problems or if we should just fuck it. I swear on my own fucking death that I don't think like that and I never did. We are so different, I was so fucking stupid to not realize that.
The day I told you my mom scheduled me for an MRI, you yelled at me over the phone because I interrupted your work out when you had a stressful day at work- pretty sure you were also mad because I couldn't take your call earlier. Because of that, I didn't tell you that I am getting an MRI because I had a seizure that day. I didn't want you to judge me or suddenly feel bad- you were nasty to me and you didn't deserve to know.
I remained optimistic throughout everything because of a lot of reasons. The first and foremost, the strongest of them all, is because I genuinely love you- I may not be yours, but you made me realize that you are my first love. You constantly ripped us apart and I still remained optimistic. You told me to not be optimistic for you, that I should be realistic for us. I was optimistic because if you wouldn't be, it is what you called the self-fulfilling prophecy, and it would end us. I held on and fight after fight you ripped me apart. I can only hold on for so long- not because I'm weak, but because I'm tired. What's the point? Your terrible attitude ripped me into my own depression.
You bought me a ring and at first I was so excited- what's with it with guys always buying me rings- but it was from you. I wish you never bought that ring.
I wonder if you actually love me or are scared to be alone again. I know for a fact I'm not the type of person you wanted to love.
The signs have always been right in front of me. I was so naive.
I tried with you. There's more to life than getting high and sleeping in with you. I had to let go of us to show myself what I could do.
No comments:
Post a Comment