Party Girls Don't Get Hurt

Honestly where was Sia when I was fucking up my life partying instead of studying in college?
I'm sorry, that's bullshit. No excuses, can't regret because at that moment it's what I wanted...can't deny that.
Sorry I said sorry, you said not to say that anymore and I have to do what you say or I upset you and ruin your future. Ruin my future? No I'll be fine.
Oh wait, I won't be fine because I will emotionally breakdown and cry for days, cry my eyes out cry my heart away, I will never recover. But no, no you will be fine, you will always be fine but not me.

I think she killed herself to escape a trap. I feel trapped, too. I am so sorry my beautiful lady, oh how I thought you were so beautiful with porcelain skin and your successful business and your beautiful custom Chanel wedding shoes and your perfect life. Perfect until he came in, huh? We are so broken, so destroyed by the outside, I promise I won't let you down. I looked up to you even when I didn't know you so well, I idolized your business and lavish life. Everyone is broken on the inside, we are so broken, you were no exception, I am not one either.

How do I know when I am making a mistake? The first time it was so crystal clear, well he brought it upon himself.
You make me cry every night, and you don't even know it, you horrible man. I don't want to look back at this post and wonder why I even wrote it. I want to remember the pain and deep sadness I felt writing this as tears streamed down my face not for you, but for love lost. Love is supposed to be our only salvation and it took a beautiful life and I don't want it to take mine. Love is not our savior, we are our own savior.

What am I afraid of? Being alone? I have realized that I thrive alone, my best art, my best studies, my best focus. Maybe that is one thing you're right about me. I keep building our relationship on lies because of you - because I can't say something without you telling me how I feel about it and what I mean...you say that I make you out to be a monster but you are a monster. You have preconceived notions and you will never ever recognize it because you only believe yourself because you are the apparent voice of all reason. I fucking HATE you. I am writing this and I hate myself because I am with someone I inherently hate and you hate me too I know it. I don't know why I hold on. I hope it will change but you're right, people don't change and you sure as hell won't. I hate myself because I hate you.

I will pray for you, angel, I will. Rest in paradise you beautiful soul. My Aja will protect you and hug you.

New Post to Help Me Fall Asleep

I take a deep stretch and let out a thorough yawn before writing this. My eyes are hazy, my fingers possess the full intent to write a post.

First and foremost, I'm so proud of myself. I finished two paintings, and have been making progress on MCAT studying, if only it is baby steps that lead the way...at least something is!

-please ignore the fact that I just cornily used a fucking exclamation point-

I want to finish at least two more paintings before the weekend ends, and I'll be done with almost two MCAT books, which leaves three to go before I purchase another one filled with practice exams. If you yawned while reading that, it's okay, I don't know why you're reading my personal qualms anyways.

Reflecting on where I was mentally two months ago, it was a little before this very time at 3:22 am, that I learned that my grandfather passed away. I spiraled out of reality for a while, halted communication with all of my friends, and it all took a toll on my relationship. I was headed towards a dark, secluded place again, not something I've been a stranger to in life, but something I tried to be wary of, and avoid.

I wasn't inspired to converse (how unlike me as a Gemini), I wasn't inspired to create art in any form, and I definitely wasn't inspired to love. After fights and make ups and deep conversations with my love, I realized that this was a time to capitalize on my freedom and the support/love from my family, and use this time to not study or draw, but to soul search. To sit and write, sit and cry, lay and think, lay and let live. Within myself, I found the means to begin my way to inner peace, I began to pray again, and I began to forgive and carry on.

I deepened my love with my parents, my brother, my family, and my love. I found beauty in simplicity, and took long walks with my momma. I took my cousins and my brother out to eat, to talk, to laugh, to share. I may have at one point viewed this as wasted time because I did not study or paint, but now, in retrospect, it was exactly what I needed.

Slipping into my old insomniac ways now, I write at 3:36 am with tons of distractions, noting that I need to reign in just a bit and regain some control. This is the ebb and flow of life. I have mended and strengthened all valued relationships in my life. In returning the favor, I have been there for the ones that needed me, when they were there for me when I needed them. I do not count my good deeds anymore, but my blessings. I am so blessed.

How Did I Fall for This? And Other Qualms

I just want to acknowledge that I fell for this bullshit a second time with the same person after he cheated on me in the most embarrassing way (for himself, in retrospect). I reread this after stumbling upon it a little over three years later, currently with the love of my life. It goes to show you that time heals all, things change in such little time, and we move on.

Also if I EVER think something like this is good enough to save again, lord spare me lmao.

iChat with The Cheater 5/24/2013 1:09 AM

------------------------------------------------------

i need u here to dry me off <3

awwwee bb u know i wanna <3

is it normal for when ur in love to have ur heart beat this fast

my heart is always beating fast but at the same time u make it stop when i look at u c:

my squinty eyesss

haha <3

u luv dem please

duhh thats y theyre mine

yupp and there always urs

yayaayyyyy

use them to watch the sunrise or watch the past pain dies

pains die

so poetic

u dont get it

no lol

sowee

i suck

let me word it better

use these eyes to watch the sunrise or maybe you can use them to watch the painful heartbreaks die u bring the notes to my heart u my poet whos not signed i guess our destiny aint that hard to find

u brush past this foggy world past the misty crowd i hope you hear me loud and i hope you know u make me and ur mama proud

oh and did i mention i walked a thousand mile just to see the distant shooting starts of your smile

forget dancing under the light of the moon as long as u dance with me dressed in white and i pray that im the groom

it was the late nights that we couldnt fight that we always touvched just right

you had the wings of the angel u kissed my lips and my feet took flight

its only a monday we sip our drinks oh wait hold up let me think 

u my little puck bunny so nice to see you on the other side of the rink

my only goal was to see you cheering and not jeering for me in the bleachers

my next goal is to touch ur heart through a couple of dope lines comin out of ur speakers

can u hear me 

please can u hear

dont punish me girl can the ocean in my soul save its only true pearl

lotus flower make me drop the bomb the fire is coming up to my neck and i pray for you through closed palms

i love u dear god i love u

i hope he knows

this thing is fast and furous so i think ill take it slow

i hope she

------------------------------------------------------

Hashtag TFW

Maybe it's the period talking, but trust me this comes from an incredibly great place.

I love you dearly, tenderly, deeply, aggressively.

I don't know what the future holds for us. It scares me, yes.

I have so much faith in us, I am getting better at living in the now.

I want this to be forever- I want us forever. If it was meant to be, It will be.

Qué será, será.

Moral Dilemmas and Other Qualms

I know that I am not ready to revive the old blog. That will come in due time, but not as soon as anticipated a couple of days ago. 

The dilemma I faced tonight is honestly something I never thought I would have to deal with. Of course I'm gonna worry about you pushing drugs, of all things, holy hell I thought it was a joke for sakes. I can't believe you weren't joking, and you think that I am crying out of thin air? Cut me some fucking slack, I'm sorry I actually fucking care, maybe I shouldn't. I honestly felt like this was a test, to pry these emotions out of me, but you made it worse. Got mad at me and called me a liar for telling you I just want you to be happy but of course I'm gonna worry, so you know what, damn straight I told you I don't want you to do it, and if you do I want no part of you. Damn fucking straight you fucking idiot. 

You wanna do it to make me happy, to make this year the best year ever? You think money is gonna make me happy? It hasn't for my entire fucking life, and let me tell you I come from a lot of fucking money, more than I'll ever need. And it's never made my depressed ass happy. You think I'd value money over the life and safety of a loved one? Why do I even give you the title of a loved one in that case? I don't need your money for happiness, I don't need it to even get by, my parents have provided for me and then some and they continue to do so, I have a job I can provide for myself. I never got in it with you for the money so check yourself before you use that as some bullshit ass excuse. 

And then you tell me to fucking read the love note you gave me before bed. When you were the one that said only a couple weeks ago how you shouldn't have written half the things in that, that you don't feel that way anymore. You're lucky I didn't act on how I was feeling and burned that shit to a pile of ashes. You're lucky I remembered where I put it after checking two spots before I found it. 

And then you have the nerve to tell me I'm adorable for crying, that no one has ever cared that much it's cute. Yeah I fucking wonder why you stupid piece of shit. Fuck you.

On How to Revive Something Long Dead

I'm proud of myself. It's taken a lot but I'm slowly studying. I'm only one day behind schedule but hopefully tomorrow can make up for that. I want to start painting again, I really don't know what's holding me back...honestly it might be just a lack of sleep.

Baby steps have been working, time to turn those into strides.

I feel revitalized, I feel the old me surging through my vessels, about to take over much, much stronger than before, of course all in due time. Perfection does not come quickly, and certainly not when you want it. 

I'm struggling with the fact that I don't know how to bring back AlexByDay. I've branded myself as -you know what- (trying to avoid search engines from finding this blog), and Alvitam has been my personal collection of misery and broken pieces that should've been picked up a long time ago. I definitely do not want to carry the negativity that lurks here to AlexByDay, because it was not about that, but I don't know how to transition. I definitely wouldn't let go of this either because I'll always need the animosity of my personal hell-hole sanctuary.

I must realize that when the time comes, I will know and I will be ready. All in due time.

(note to self, any mention of AlexByDay will have to be deleted from this blog to avoid search engines if it is ever revived$

Dem Nuh Worry We

I think things are looking up. After this weekend, which should be good for me, it's a 180. We're gonna finish studying, finish cranking out MAD good art, use up all that watercolor paper and canvas.

Gonna finish studying for the MCATs and then buy another book.

I keep telling myself these things and it's as if I look back on it sometimes and get down because I'm not making progress but I need to practice what I preach: we tend to forget that baby steps still move us forward.

I saw this thing today I wanna remember it: "In Your Twenties- Your 20's are your 'selfish' years. It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground" -Kyoko Escamilla.

After a lot of soul searching, having loved and lost, a lot of lazy "me" time doing absolutely nothing, I've decided I will not waste another year of my 20's, or even my life anymore, and I'll chase the sun.

This weekend is going to be a start to a cleanse, a good beginning and a start on the right foot with my love. I'll learn to breathe again, take it easy, smell roses, and calm the fuck down about things.

Not tryna cut years off of my life because of anxiety and depression. Gotta meditate and let that shit go.

My goal is to get AlexByDay back, and I can only do that by achieving all my other goals first to pursue happiness.


(side note- have I used this title before on something?)

I Wish I Could Send this to You and Never Hear You Again

This whole summer doin the distance thing has really caught up to me. In the beginning, I clearly loved you more and wanted this more than you did. After all your constant bitching about how this summer sucks, how your life sucks, how I take it all for granted, you somehow ended up reversing the roles. 

Unlike you, I'm not resentful. I just grew tired of you constantly putting me down and lecturing me. Of your constant whining although, ironically, I'm not allowed to complain about shit, especially to you. 

I grew tired and that faded my love. I can tell that you're trying harder now to hold on, maybe because you've realized that I'm fizzling out of this, maybe because you're afraid of letting go, or maybe because we're so close to "being together" that you've decided to turn the leaf.

Regardless of what it may be, I'm sick of you always calling me a retard, calling me stupid and annoying and telling me you wouldn't do x y z to me, even though when I say I would never speak to you the way you speak to me you take it as a personal attack. 

You say you're working on yourself but you love to keep me as an inferior. 

I am so tired of you and of the mere thought of you that I wonder more times than not if I truly love you anymore. 

No, I don't think that being with you this year is going to make it the best year of my life thus far- I lied about that, because I NEVER thought that. It would only make this year more difficult, and I did at one point think you were worth it. And no, I can't really imagine a future with us after college anymore, although at one point I did. 

Hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you.

You're Gonna Look Back at This and Be So Disappointed in Yourself

Don't sing or make stupid noises or make dumb faces anymore. Don't do it.

Don't be unappreciative. He does everything for you. He goes out of his way, even though his schedule is so packed and busy, to talk to you all the time and see you and hear you and support you. You support him too, just not as much as he does for you.

Don't be entitled. Your parents gave you everything and a silver spoon. He is spoiled too, apparently, even though your life is lightyears better than his, you're both entitled but he's appreciative at least, you're not. You're a child, you act like a child, you probably won't change. You need to change.

You can't change him, accept him or leave him, but you need to change.

Always have a good topic or conversation or there's no point in conversing. Like what's the point of talking if there's nothing to say, you're 200 miles away at this point, make it count or forget about it, right?

Elaborate on your texts. Make sure you say EXACTLY how you feel down to a tee, maybe you should expand your vocabulary. If you don't, you're a liar. Don't ever lie.

Don't EVER talk about your mental illnesses again. They don't matter, they're not an excuse. Matter of fact, nothing is an excuse. Don't bring it up, you're not special, you're not the only one battling something. Who do you even think you are? Your anxiety and depression do not matter.

Don't make everything a big deal. Why do you continue to text anyways? You know you shouldn't and you don't want to get into conflict.

Stand up for yourself, but be careful, tread carefully. You'll get ripped apart, mostly because you deserve it for being so fucking stupid all the time. You're dense and stupid. He's not perfect, don't put him on a pedestal, but he's better than you and you don't deserve him. You never deserved him and you should be lucky that you even have him.

He's the greatest thing you happen to you, matter of fact. If you lose him you'll never find a better guy. All of your past relationships were shit. You are inherently shit, you attract shit.

If We Break Up I'll Send This to You

I thought the passion was back. I hate the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder". I hate it because I fully believed in it when I saw it for the first time- not really knowing what it meant. Every single person I've told it to has rejected it, saying that it's not true, distance rips things apart. I was so naive. I'd rather live in my false hope when it was blatantly explained to me.

When my Aja died, I fell deeper into my problems. We were fighting around this time, you made it known to me that you were there for me regardless. I prayed that night that if we weren't meant to be, that my Aja would send me some sort of sign. I believed that he showed me no signs.

But we kept fighting. It got worse. You said that you thought our relationship was maybe trash, that you're happy that we'll be seeing each other soon because maybe it'll help us figure out if we could fix our problems or if we should just fuck it. I swear on my own fucking death that I don't think like that and I never did. We are so different, I was so fucking stupid to not realize that.

The day I told you my mom scheduled me for an MRI, you yelled at me over the phone because I interrupted your work out when you had a stressful day at work- pretty sure you were also mad because I couldn't take your call earlier. Because of that, I didn't tell you that I am getting an MRI because I had a seizure that day. I didn't want you to judge me or suddenly feel bad- you were nasty to me and you didn't deserve to know.

I remained optimistic throughout everything because of a lot of reasons. The first and foremost, the strongest of them all, is because I genuinely love you- I may not be yours, but you made me realize that you are my first love. You constantly ripped us apart and I still remained optimistic. You told me to not be optimistic for you, that I should be realistic for us. I was optimistic because if you wouldn't be, it is what you called the self-fulfilling prophecy, and it would end us. I held on and fight after fight you ripped me apart. I can only hold on for so long- not because I'm weak, but because I'm tired. What's the point? Your terrible attitude ripped me into my own depression.

You bought me a ring and at first I was so excited- what's with it with guys always buying me rings- but it was from you. I wish you never bought that ring.

I wonder if you actually love me or are scared to be alone again. I know for a fact I'm not the type of person you wanted to love.

The signs have always been right in front of me. I was so naive.

I tried with you. There's more to life than getting high and sleeping in with you. I had to let go of us to show myself what I could do.

A Note From Someone Who Loves Your Soul

Of course I share the same fear as you do, just not to the same degree. I don't fear losing you because I know I'll do anything I need to in order to keep you, because I believe when two people genuinely love each other nothing can separate them. You need to let go of that fear, you need to because without letting it go it will harm our relationship. Nothing is more detrimental to a relationship than each person trying to secure themselves, protect themselves, from feeling they need the other person. That's what love is, I need you, of course I could function without you but my quality of life wouldn't compare. If you let that fear effect you, it's a self fulfilling prophecy and we won't end up together. That's the risk you have to take, a risk you have to accept in order to achieve something amazing: genuine love. We've both had experiences that rattled us as individuals, that caused us to question ourselves; but that is why we are special, because that won't ever happen again, not on my watch. Please don't forget you do as much for me as I do for you; you see a confident, fun loving, easy going , motivated guy because you allowed me to feel that way again. When I was in high school, as a sophomore and junior, my teammates and coaches constantly referred to me as "fearless". I was never intimidated by anyone, I would never back down, and my teammates knew it. That's a mindset I've taken with me, I try to be fearless; it's based in a fundamental belief in myself, on a belief that everything will workout at the end of the day. For the first time in my life, this year, I lost that mentality; I was scared, I questioned myself. When I met you, I knew how much chemistry we had, I knew how special you were; but I also knew I had that fear in the back of my mind. Being around you allowed me yo return to my natural state, in my natural state I am fearless, because I only see potential, I only see success. What allows me to be so fearless is my ability to ignore the things most people fear, unlike you I don't think about how things could go wrong or how a decision could cost me dearly; I only see success, I only see it all working out. I see things this way because I believe in myself, I believe we're meant to be together, and I believe we can overcome anything together. For a while, I think you sensed that fear in me and you responded by restraining your feelings. There is no room for fear, no room for considering failure; I love you, I believe in us. Once again, I'm fearless because I know I won't lose you, I know I won't. You need to reframe fear in your mind, stop fearing getting hurt, start fearing what you'll miss out on if you let a fear of being hurt affect you. That's why it bothers me when you always say I should think about us and let you know when we argue: that's clear cut fear. You're sitting there waiting for something to go wrong, waiting to get hurt: you need to recognize your agency in life YOU HAVE CONTROL. When you think, "oh no we're going to break up", I think "hell no, I won't let this happen". I would rather overestimate my control over life than live in fear, I would rather live fearlessly and be wrong than live in fear. Part of this is because of my ex girlfriend, partly because you have always felt I'm not 100% yours. You need to have more confidence in yourself; how could I possibly want anyone but you. WE are the best couple I've ever seen, certainly the best I've been a part of. You make me laugh like no one ever has, you let me be my normal weird self, you love me the way I love you, you share similar values to me, you are the coolest girl ever, you make me want to succeed, YOU. I love YOU, I love you for the person you are, I love you for how you make me feel, I love you for the chemistry we have, I love you. I suppose it will just take time, but at some point you'll realize/accept how much I love you. I fully EXPECT to marry you, I expect to spend the rest of my life with you, and I expect to be the happiest person in the world because of it. I always say I fear losing you but I really don't because I have blind faith that we are meant to be together, that we will be together: that is love. 

Blood Oath to Myself

No more crying after this week.

No more feeling sorry for yourself.

No more not standing up for yourself.

No more not knowing your self worth.

No more taking shit.

No more procrastination.

No more wallowing.

No more wasting your own time.

No more not reading, not doing problem sets, not edifying yourself.

No more fearing being alone. You need to be alone. You did your best alone.

They'll always come running back.

No more not listening to music.

No more not expressing yourself.

No more skipping work outs.

They always come back. And if they don't, fuck it.

Til Death Do Us Part

After many years of deliberation, it took the death of my grandfather to help me realize what I mean when I tell people "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual".

To begin, I don't think it is fair to call myself religious when I have not been devout to one faith for my life. I was raised with a mix of both Christianity and Hinduism, however not practicing either to an even normal extent. I only celebrate holidays, I only attend church/temple for ceremonies at this point in my life. Neither of my parents practice, either, but they were both raised in strict hindu homes and both strangely enough attended Catholic schools.

I do not believe in a "higher power"- I do not believe that there is a man up somewhere we call "God". I do not believe in heaven or hell because modern science disputes this with tangible evidence as we know the constituents of the atmosphere and the center of the Earth. I do not believe that the Bible nor the Bhagavad Gita are anything more than spiritual stories developed over time to comfort the disturbed. I consider myself to follow more of the Gita than the Bible, but both have lessons that we can all learn from, when heeded with humility and genuine love for others.

I do believe that there is a higher order, though, and this is why I claim to be spiritual. The basis of chemistry (especially Biochemistry, my major) is thermodynamics. Any given system and its surroundings make up the universe. We theorize that the universe we are in is infinitely expanding and degrading simultaneously, and because of this, it is possible that any given point can be the center of the universe. Thermodynamics dictates that the universe tends towards higher entropy: chaos, randomness, disorder. This is a factor of what we call [Gibbs] Free Energy, the other being physical heat (enthalpy). Organize this energy, and you drive the crucial processes that give life. The Big Bang Theory is a model we use to explain the creation of the world, the beginning of the ordering process that creates the universe in which we occupy today. We as humans want to create order- we always want to explain everything.

The death of my grandfather, the first death that is so close to home for me in my lifetime, has enlightened me on explaining my concept of "higher order". Maybe you have heard the saying, "we are all made up of star dust that has existed since the beginning of time". This fundamentally makes sense if we consider that matter cannot be created nor destroyed, since "star dust" will be recycled throughout time, meaning that we are all parts of our predecessors, dinosaurs, ancient plants, rocks, minerals. This is the matter of it all though, only the physicality of it all. Thinking more deeply now, you must wonder how can matter not be created but it all had to be created from something at some point, like we theorize? Inherently, this is contradictory in nature, a flaw that we have as humans.

I explain this contradiction with my knowledge of Free Energy. Think about the disparity between what scientists (psychologists) call the brain vs. the mind. The brain is the physical entity, subject to damage and disease. The mind, however, is the thought process, the contemplation, the intangible. Although affected by the physical, the mind is something that we cannot access in others the way we can perform lobotomies and access the brain in others. This is true of the physical body made up of star dust vs. the soul, or the contained, organized energy. There is so much Free Energy in the world to drive living processes, ordered into higher forms of life such as animals and plants. This energy is what is contained within the soul, it is our mind. Our bodies are containers for this energy like the brain is the container for the mind. When we die, the energy is released once more into the surroundings from the system (body) as Free Energy, we grow cold because the enthalpy dissipates so fast. We do not go to heaven, we do not go to hell. We are in the universe we always were in, however not anymore imprisoned in the physical manifestation of star dust subject to disease and decay. We are at peace when we die because we are free again, the energy released back to the natural state of things, increasing entropy.

So how I support the Big Bang Theory is from this, that there was so much Free Energy at one given moment that a single spontaneous event occurred, and the energy collapsed within itself to create something much more ordered than it has ever been.

This gave me peace because my grandfather is always going to be in my surroundings as Free Energy, and he will always be physically part of me, as we share the same star dust.

To my dearest Aja, I know you may not be able to read this, but I know that you will feel my vibes, my contained energy. You were the patriarch of this incredible family. You are the bloodline. I love you, I love you so much I myself cannot begin to hold back tears. I see you in my father, I see you in my chachas, my brother, my cousins, and especially in myself. I love you, I have always loved you and appreciated you and looked up to you and respected you SO incredibly much. You are now the center of my universe. I pray because the vibes from my prayers are my only communication to you now. I pray because I cannot thank you enough, my soul is forever indebted to yours and will only be set free when I die too.

Sad Writing and Why It Doesn't Work Most Times

I'm not really sure how to start this. Usually I have a killer hook in mind, something so strong that it can even stand by itself in a post. It's taking me unusually long to gather exactly what I'm trying to push across to you.

I recall why I essentially deleted the last blog I had. The posts were incredibly revealing, no names changed, no situation left unturned, unanalyzed. I wrote with such passion, rigorously throwing down stories as they happened daily. I find that a lot of passion has escaped my life, especially recently.

I've been looking back to my younger days, at least what I can remember without my conscious masking the actualities. They say the more you try to remember something, the more it drifts farther from the truth of the event. I tried to look back on what things made me happy. Little things, material things, any things. I can't really pin anything down- it's insanely depressing to find that out after a heavy depressive episode. I try to crawl out of the hole and I'm given no hint of rope.

I tried my shot at love again this semester. I guess that's what I'm trying to get at, or at least it's my vehicle for what I'm trying to get at. Today he broke my heart. He verbally abused me. Then he 180'd and apologized and told me that he loves me and that I mean so much to him and that he's so proud of me and that I've had such a positive impact on him. I never stopped loving him once throughout the yelling and the ignoring and the impulsive, irrational behavior. That's my fault, I think. That's what crushed me the first time but the first time I waited too long amidst the abuse, the manipulation.

He never was like this to me. Stress is a monster in us all. I still love him. I still want this to work. I can't be the only one trying though. I was the only one trying today. I'll nip this before it manifests like last time and I'll do it holding my chin up. I didn't cry today until I got a call.

I got a call from my best friend. He's leaving for DC for the summer, and then China for a year. I will see him once this summer. My best friend. We've been there for each other through the roughest part of my life. I don't know how I'll deal without him for an entire year. I got a call from him and he was hysterical, in tears because he can't believe that someone would speak to me the way my love did. He thinks, nay knows, that I deserve better and he just wants me to be happy especially since he won't be here for a year to console me the way he did today when I was being yelled at over the phone.

It's enlightening to know how much someone cares about you so much. You've impacted that person's life, one way or another, in such a way that you've left a permanent indentation. My best friend doesn't tell me ten to fifteen times a day that he loves me like my love does. But he is the one that truly loves me. I love both of them, even if it is in different lights, but rarely is the light shone on the one who truly loves you more. Today I was lucky to see the friend in my life, the light in my life, that is really there. If we do end up fixing things, it won't be the same between me and my love. Nothing is honeymoon and glitter forever, but you do need those lights in your life so you can realize what you deserve. I realized what I deserve, because I do have people in my life that give it to me.

I don't know how to continue this. I'm broken in a way I've never felt before. I'm not upset with anyone, I'm not destructive or sad or depressed or I don't even know what. I'm empty. I can't write. The passion is gone. And I don't know how to find it.

#IfIWonPowerball

Will it still be a billion after taxes?

I won't take the lump sum, I'd want that shit to be divided up over a couple of years. I'd give my parents 100 milli to start off the spending. I'd think I was debt free to them forever, but how can you fully give back to the people who created you? You can't put a price on life.

I'd open a Swiss bank account and watch the money slowly grow with interest. Only for the idea though, only to brag about my off-shore account. Like on the real, is it much safer than putting my money with Chase and Citi? Probably not.

Anyone who asks me for money would be immediately cut off from my life forever. Money changes even the people you love enough to think that nothing is gonna change them. All humans look out for self-interest, we are the worst fucking species to grace this universe's existence.

I'd buy that penthouse in Manhattan I always dream of. I'd buy a G-Wagon and put it in a garage because you're stupid if you're trying to drive anywhere in Manhattan.

I'd still finish college. Maybe I'd take more time in between grad school/medical school and graduation, but shit who knows? Who knows if I'll even have the motivation to keep going to school because right now in life I've hit the wall with school. I'm just dragging myself through bricks man, I've hit the wall.

The billion won't bring back Pac, it won't bring back Biggie. My grandparents are still gonna die one day and it won't stop that and it won't bring them back neither. Fuck, man.

Man, I spent $4 on that Powerball ticket today and I swear man, it only took $4 to spiral myself back into depression.

It took $4 for me to remember how sad I actually am in life. What the fuck is a billion gonna do to me, then?

Things to Carry With Me Pt. 5

If you wanna be on top, you gotta throw EVERYONE under the bus first.

//today was quite the insightful day for me, huh? shoutout to the homie for really listening to my insane idea, acknowledging its insanity, and regarding its genuis. 

Things to Carry With Me Pt. 4

Competition drives innovation

Things to Carry With Me Pt. 3

Never put all of your eggs in one basket. 

NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY IS A LION!!

I remember the first time I ever felt like someone, a valid someone. 

For some reason, my dad took me to PS121, my first elementary school, at night for some raffle or some parents meeting who tf even remembers anymore.

But that night, I was given this card, and they told me to sign my name on the back of it. It was burgundy with some letting and a cool ass lion logo on it. It was a NY Public Library card, and it was mine.

Why I Like to Write at Night and Other Details About My Throat

I like to write at night because I feel uninhibited, because the alert chemicals in our brains decrease around this time. I like to write because maybe the high is gone or is fading and clarity is being restored right behind my eyes from since the last time highness was acheived. Tonight I like to write because she was right, eventually if it was meant to happen it will all fall into place so I just have to ignore my feelings for him right now if he is to stay my best friend. I don't believe in coincidences, right? So it must be something that brought and kept us together. I just don't want to be the one that ruins it because I'm all too good at that and I'm even better at maintaining a loss as if I had never cared in the first place.

My left throat lymph node is swolen. When the first tear drops from the left eye, it apparently signifies sadness. What does this mean for the gland?